When the Call Is Coming from Inside the House
Sometimes, the harshest judgments don’t come from outside. They come from inside the community, from people who should know better, but haven’t unlearned enough. We spoke to four queer Nigerians about how they’ve navigated unlearning internalized homophobia within the queer community.
Fikayo, Lesbian
I can’t lie, my own was kind of silly. You see transmascs? I used to avoid them. Not even for a sensible reason, but it made no sense to me that I was attracted to them. I don’t even like studs, so it was jarring.
Something about it felt wrong to me. Like, if I am a lesbian, what does it mean if I find a trans man fine? It messed with my head. I’d avoid eye contact, refuse to engage online, and once or twice, I made the horrible mistake of misgendering them.
Nobody educated me. I just got tired of doing maths over one fine boy’s jawline. I think I was also too strict with this lesbian thing. I’m learning not to be so rigid with my identity and that of others.
Uzo, Gay
I used to laugh when I saw ace people talk about their experience because I truly could not fathom a situation where their struggles were as bad as mine as a gay man. I was so dismissive.
Then I met this ace guy at a workshop. He told me his family still tried to “fix” him. They thought something was wrong with him because he had no desire for allosexual activities.
And I was like, wait o, that’s the same thing I’m going through in a different font. I still don’t fully get it. But now I shut up and go and learn on my own because it’s now my problem to unlearn.
Chika, Queer
I’m nonbinary, and I still used to mock neopronouns. “Xe/xem” sounded funny in my ears. I’d roll my eyes and say things like, “Are we not already confusing them enough?”
But then someone on Twitter said one time in an argument with another person, “You talk like you’re trying to earn a seat at their table.” It stuck with me.
And I couldn’t even argue, because it was true. Now, when I cringe, I check myself. I owe it to them to do better, just like people did better for me.
Community is not a guarantee of safety. Sometimes, we carry the same judgment we fight against. Healing means noticing the places where we’ve turned into our oppressors and choosing to do better.
